Uncertainty

So another gap in posts. This one was a bit intentional, largely because I was concerned about miscarriage, and more than just my general (elevated) concern.

A few days after I got to 8 weeks and graduated from my fertility clinic, I experienced a weird gush of vaginal fluid. While I was at work of all times. There was a little blood in it, but barely…and then that was it. Nothing. I freaked out initially, but then, after quickly looking things up online, saw that it may not be a major issue, but only a doctor could tell. So, somehow, I went about the rest of my day. But the following morning I decided to call the midwives group I was going to be seeing and spoke to a nurse. Based on what I told her, she thought I was having, or had, a miscarriage and told me to go straight to the ER.

Many hours later it turned out everything was fine, that maybe it was a blood clot. Both babies and sacs looked good. Heartbeats good. I was sent home and was to follow up with my doctor in a week or two.

After that, I had some bleeding, and passed what I assumed were clots/old blood. So, it just became a waiting game. Everyday was filled with a little worry due to uncertainty at what was happening. As such, I couldn’t bring myself to post.

I had a 10 week sonogram at my first midwives appointment and everything was ok! Not only that, but they were really moving around, which was amazing to see. I was a bit awestruck. That appointment (and the persistent nausea) really made me feel better and felt like a little weight (of worry) off my shoulders.

So, here I am now, a day shy of 12 weeks, and I just had my NT scan. The results of that were worrisome for one baby, so they’re doing a more descriptive blood test (NIPT). I have somewhat mixed feelings about this, but I’m honestly just glad they’re looking alright and moving around. I also don’t want to do any invasive testing because, at this point, what is, is, so I’ll just see what happens when they’re born…When written like that it seems really blasé, but I’ve actually thought a lot about this and, short of a lethal condition, I will deal with whatever comes as it comes when they’re born.

I can’t believe I’m nearing the end of my first trimester. While I know it’s still early and we’ll have to see how things go, I also know that, statistically, my risk of miscarriage is fairly low. I’ve been able to focus less on that and more on other things, which is nice. Every time I see them, I feel a little better. Since they’re twins, I’ll be seeing them often, even with being in midwife care.

All of this has seemed to go by really fast. It’s amazing to me, that I’m here at ~12 weeks.

Wow.

1 month later…

Clearly it’s been longer than two weeks. More like a month. A lot has happened in this past month, both in this journey and in other parts of my life (including being in the process of buying a condo, which is stressful to say the least). So I’ll just get right to it.

Right before the end of the two week wait I bought two home pregnancy tests. One of my best friends was in town and I told her I was going to take them two days before my blood test. I could tell she wanted to ask if it was a good idea or not, but I convinced her that it was, that either way it may give me some info, but that I wouldn’t hold it as absolute. I’d also had trouble sleeping all that week leading up to the test, waking up at the same time every night, and, after doing some researching, found that it could be a sign of pregnancy, with it’s impacts on your hormones impacting sleep. But only for some women, of course. So I had my suspicions that I might be pregnant, but still, tried to be realistic about it. Long story short, the first home test was immediately positive. So immediately, in fact, that I thought I might have done it wrong, so I took the next one, and that one went positive as well.

Two days later I had my blood test and it was positive. The clinic had me come back two days later to do another test, just to make sure, and it was positive again. Each time they said I was pregnant, and that my numbers (hcg) were really high, though no one indicated what that could mean. So, of course, I did some searching online as to what that meant, and I’ll get to that in a minute.

I was a little in disbelief initially. I wasn’t expecting to get a positive on the first try. I was hoping I would, but I was trying to be realistic about it.

After the positive results I was excited, but the excitement was tempered. The adenomyosis diagnosis still hung over my head, making me feel cautious, and preventing me from getting too excited. It was heavy, as I was still dealing with realism versus optimism.

Fast forward to freakouts about weird spotting (which turned out to be implantation spotting) and weird sensations in my abdomen. At some point I just had to let some of the worry go and just accept what may or may not happen.

Last week I had my 6-week ultrasound (still trying to get used to the standard convention timing that adds two weeks) and everything looked good. I also learned that there was not one, but two fetuses.

Two…Twins…

WTF…

That’s why the hcg levels were so high.

That is what I’ve been sitting with the past week. Twins. I was in shock for a bit. I knew it was a possibility, given my hcg levels were so high, but to actually see it was still shocking. I was happy that they were doing well, but shocked because twins were not the plan. As a single woman, twins were not the plan…But, as all things related to kids, plans immediately go out the window. Pre-laid plans mean very little. The universe has other plans (in all it’s randomness, which I know doesn’t make any sense).

The shock has worn off and now I’m just trying to think logically about what it will mean to have twins, provided this pregnancy goes full term (knock on wood) and that they both go full term (knock on wood). Even the doctor said it’s still early, so we’ll have to see, but that they look healthy thus far. I admit, thought, that with the shock being gone, I’m also getting a bit excited about the idea of twins. Stressed, but excited.

Oh, but the morning sickness. How could I forget about that. I had that starting in week 4. I’m guessing it started on the early side because of the twins. I am nauseous from the moment I wake up, til the moment I go to sleep. My sweet tooth is gone (which I suppose isn’t a bad thing). Half the things I normally ate I can’t stomach, and all the other things are only mildly appealing. And I’m extremely tired. I have never been this tired in my life. I take partial naps now, which is huge for me since I’ve never been a napper. I say partial because I don’t fall completely asleep, instead I just hover above sleep most time, but it seems to do the job.

So now we wait and see. Which is what I keep saying. Wait and see. I’m trying my best to just go with the flow and stay relaxed and open to what may come, while taking care of myself…and trying to keep food down and getting more sleep.

A first time for everything

Today was my first IUI and I’m still a little in disbelief.

I’ve been in my thoughts a lot the past few weeks as I prepared. Lots of emotions were coming up for me about the process, emotions I’d tried to put away a few months ago. I was trying to manage the feelings of excitement and optimism, with anxiety and realism. The fact that I have adenomyosis, and therefore a higher risk of miscarriage, makes this a bit tricky, especially because there’s no way to know to what extent it will impact my attempts. It could either impact the process severely, or have no/minimal impact. Also, knowing that, because of that fact, a positive pregnancy test doesn’t mean it’s a done deal. This is true for everyone, but especially true with regard to this condition. So it feels like I wouldn’t be able to give a sign of relief until I was at least 32 weeks. That’s been challenging to sit with. To deal with it, I’ve been trying to be a realist about the process (with an emphasis on “process”), but I felt like it was masking what optimism and positivity I should have. On the other hand, I didn’t/don’t want to be so optimistic that, if a negative test result comes back, and if more than once, I’m not overly disappointed or devastated.

But can you really prepare for that? Can you really prepare yourself for disappointment? Should that be the focus?

I realized it shouldn’t be, at least not to the degree that I was letting it. Right now I’m just going with the flow. Letting what happens, happen, as best as I can.

I was on Clomid last week. That was an experience. My dosage wasn’t that high, but I felt the effects after the first day or so. I don’t normally have emotional PMS symptoms, or rather, it’s never really been to the degree that I notice it, but the Clomid was a different story. Extremely tired, irritable, sudden mood swings…That was fun.

So now, the two week wait.