A first time for everything

Today was my first IUI and I’m still a little in disbelief.

I’ve been in my thoughts a lot the past few weeks as I prepared. Lots of emotions were coming up for me about the process, emotions I’d tried to put away a few months ago. I was trying to manage the feelings of excitement and optimism, with anxiety and realism. The fact that I have adenomyosis, and therefore a higher risk of miscarriage, makes this a bit tricky, especially because there’s no way to know to what extent it will impact my attempts. It could either impact the process severely, or have no/minimal impact. Also, knowing that, because of that fact, a positive pregnancy test doesn’t mean it’s a done deal. This is true for everyone, but especially true with regard to this condition. So it feels like I wouldn’t be able to give a sign of relief until I was at least 32 weeks. That’s been challenging to sit with. To deal with it, I’ve been trying to be a realist about the process (with an emphasis on “process”), but I felt like it was masking what optimism and positivity I should have. On the other hand, I didn’t/don’t want to be so optimistic that, if a negative test result comes back, and if more than once, I’m not overly disappointed or devastated.

But can you really prepare for that? Can you really prepare yourself for disappointment? Should that be the focus?

I realized it shouldn’t be, at least not to the degree that I was letting it. Right now I’m just going with the flow. Letting what happens, happen, as best as I can.

I was on Clomid last week. That was an experience. My dosage wasn’t that high, but I felt the effects after the first day or so. I don’t normally have emotional PMS symptoms, or rather, it’s never really been to the degree that I notice it, but the Clomid was a different story. Extremely tired, irritable, sudden mood swings…That was fun.

So now, the two week wait.

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